The man i loved
by sammygirl17
Summary: Sam was living his happy, normal life with Jess until things went terribly wrong. Sam has a terminal illness, leaving Jess and Dean to help him through, what will prove to be, the hardest time in his life. Will Sam survive this horrible illness, or will it be the thing that finally finishes him off? sick!sam big brother!dean. *Complete*
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! So this is the first chapter to my very first multi chapter fanfiction. Yay!**

 **This one is a pre- series, Stanford era fanfiction set a few months into Sam and Jess's relationship.**

 **I personally wish we got to see more of flashbacks into the boy's childhood, because really, we can only guess what their life was like with the little information we get given on the show. I always wondered what Dean would have done if Sam got seriously sick or hurt while he was in Stanford, thinking about it, I thought it would go something like in this story.**

 **Really though, writing this story I just wanted to an excuse to get Dean and Jess talking about Sam. So what do I do? Haha I guess you'll have to read and find out.**

 **Alright let's get this story started!**

The man I loved

Chapter 1

Sam Winchester had been good at hiding his pain, he always seemed so determine to play it off as nothing and deny any kind help. I always guessed it had something to do with his past, though, I wouldn't really know.

Even after almost two years of being together, my boyfriend still won't talk to me about any of his past experiences, or anything to do with his family for that matter. The only things I know are that he has a big brother, Dean, and a father, John, and that they moved around a lot when he was younger due to his father's job, not that I know what that is.

Sam has always been very secretive and mysterious, I guess that could be one of the things that drew me to him in the first place, though now, after all this time, it hurts a bit that he still won't talk to me, doesn't he trust me? No, that's not it. I feel that there is something dark, like some horrible secret about his past, maybe he is afraid to tell me, maybe he thinks that it would change something between us, though, I don't understand what could be so horrible. I love him, and no matter what it is, I will find out, and it won't change a thing. I just need to make him see that.

It's not like I haven't tried, my boyfriend is often plagued with horrible nightmares about something that is unknown to me. But by his reactions every time he comes out of one, I am sure it's terrifying. he would wake up in the middle of the night, screaming, or hyperventilating, or in some cases even crying, and when I try to ask him what it's about, or try and talk to him about it in any way, he again, shrugs it off and tries to assure me it's nothing. I don't believe it for a second.

I've now learned to read Sam, better than most people could. I can tell when he is in pain, physically or emotionally, and though I don't know much about the emotional pain he goes through, my presence always seems to comfort him, and for that I'm grateful.

When he started getting random headaches every once in a while, I didn't think much of it. I played it off as just stress from school, and as he always likes to tell me every time he is in pain, he's had worse. Which I must say, wasn't the most comforting thing to hear as he was laying in hospital with a broken leg and a head injury a few short months ago when we got in a car accident. What kind of past did he have that he always seems to be able to say that he's had worse? It honestly worries me and if I had it my way, by now I would already know everything about Sam's past. But it's not up to me. He is very guarded and stubborn, which means that if he doesn't want to talk about something, there is no way I'm getting any information out of him. All I can do is try my best to make the man I love comfortable enough around me to let his guard down.

But then the headaches started getting worse and more frequent, that's when I started to worry, maybe something is really wrong? But my boyfriend, as always, plays them off, even when he is sitting on our couch grasping is head in pain. Yeah Sam, I'm sure you're just fine.

It was when it started to affect his every day activities that I decided to take action, something further them just giving him some aspirin and telling him to rest, which he also often refused to do.

After a weeks of constant begging from me and his other friends, who were starting to get equally worried about him, he decided to drop his 'I'm fine' act and let me take him to the doctors. We were going to go in the afternoon when it happened.

It came out of nowhere, one minuet Sam was up, talking to me about some stuff he has learned in his law class, and the next he was on his knees, grabbing his head with both of his hands and screaming in pain.

"Sam!"

I yelled and ran towards him, kneeling on the floor next to him, trying to figure out what on earth is going on.

"Sam, please talk to me!"

I pleaded, but the next thing I know, his eyes roll to the back of his head and he is unconscious.

"Oh my god, Sam!"

I yell, shaking him, trying to get any sort of reaction or response. What I got, was not at all what I wanted and to say the truth, it terrified me. My boyfriend, the man I love, started seizing uncontrollably.

I knew what to do from the first aid classes I took when I was younger, I quickly grabbed a blanket from the couch and made it into a makeshift pillow which I placed under his head. I pushed away the coffee table to insure he won't hit it and I took my phone out dialling 911.

 **So that's it for chapter 1. Hope you guys liked it!**

 **Please leave reviews. Any advice, criticisms, thoughts, or guesses of what going to happen next are welcome!**

 **I'm hoping to post a new chapter every day or two.**

 **-Mika xxx**


	2. Chapter 2

**OMG everyone! Thankyou sooooooo much! For this being one of my first stories the amount of reviews, favourites and follows I've gotten is absolutely incredible…. I am just over the moon**

 **Now, I was personally really upset that Jess died first episode; I wish she had stuck around for at least the first season or 2. I'm also kind of pissed at her being practically forgotten after season 2, it's like she didn't even exist after that, and I think that she was an important enough figure in Sam's life to get a little bit more recognition. So I'm answers to that… write her into my fanfictions! Solutions!**

 **Writing jess was a little hard to be honest, you can really take her in any direction you want since we know so little about her, I mean she got what? 5 minutes screen time? Less? So anyway, I hope you like the direction I took her in in this story.**

 **Alright, chapter 2, let's see how our poor little Jess is dealing with this whole situation.**

The man I loved

Chapter 2

The paramedics arrived and I found myself being pushed into the background. They were all talking to each other, but I couldn't seem to hear what they were saying, my focused was only Sam. He lay there, face way too pale for comfort, and my eyes stung with the tears that were threatening to consume me.

I don't know how long it's been since they have arrived, but Sam was now on a gurney and getting pushed into an ambulance. I rushed with them, keeping my gaze on Sam, when I was brought out of my trace my a firm hand squeezing my shoulder, I turned around to see one of the paramedics, his name tag read 'Nick'.

"Miss, we are taking him to hospital right now, are you able to follow?"

The man asked me, his voice soft and comforting. When I realised what he was asking, a sudden anger rushed over me, I don't know why, I just knew I had to stay with him.

"No!" I protested.

"I have to stay with him!"

When I realised yelling wasn't going to get me anywhere I took a deep breath. I softened my voice and tried my best to mimic Sam's puppy dog face that always seemed to be able to get me to do whatever he wanted.

"Please, please let me stay with him"

I begged, flattering my eyelashes and keeping my eyes connected with Nicks.

"Alright, hurry and get in"

He gestured to the ambulance that Sam was being wheeled into right now, surrounded by other students trying to see what was going on.

I got in and sat next to Sam, this is the worst condition I have ever seen him in. He had an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, and an IV line was already connected to his arm. I sat there, squeezing his hand, hoping that this was just sort of mistake, that he would just suddenly wake up and shoot me a smile, his beautiful shy smile mixed together with those large dreamy eyes, he always made my heart melt. But that didn't happen, he just lay there, pale, quiet, and completely still. Sam was never still, he was always moving around, fidgeting with something, even in his sleep he tossed and turned restlessly, and seeing him this way sent chills up my spine.

"Excuse me"

I lady's voice spoke to me, I turned around and saw a woman, probably in her 30's with long brown hair tied up in a ponytail, she smiled at my sympathetically.

"I'm going to need to ask you a few questions is that ok?"

The woman asked, her voice soft and gentle, but it did nothing to ease the panic within me. I just nodded, constantly playing around with the necklace around my neck as I often did when I was nervous.

"Alright can you give me his name as well as yours?"

"I'm Jess, his name is Sam. Sam Winchester. What's wrong with my boyfriend?" I asked her, trying to hide the fear in my voice, but in vain.

"We're not sure yet, it's what we are trying to figure out ok? Now, has he been showing any symptoms that could indicate what caused this?" She asked me.

As I recalled the events of the last few weeks she smiled at me and nodded in understanding.

Gosh I should have made him go to the doctors earlier, how could I let it get this bad! I couldn't hold the tears back any long and a sobbed. Trying to pull myself together I whipped away the tears and took Sam's limp hand in mine as I prayed for him to be alright.

 **That's chapter 2 done….. Woohoo!**

 **Thank you for all of you that have read it and I hoped you have been enjoying this story**

 **Please, if you have a minute to leave a review that would be absolutely amazing, they make my heart fill with warms and fuzzies and I really do appreciate them!**

 **Also follow and favourite to keep track of this story which I'll be updating, hopefully, every day.**

 **-Mika xxx**


	3. Chapter 3

**Third chapter…. Yay!**

 **Thank you to everyone that reviewed, followed and favourite this story so far. It mean so much to me that people enjoy reading my fanfiction and I hope this next chapter is to your satisfaction ;)**

 **Can't wait to finally mean Sam's doctor? Well, you're in luck!**

 **Enjoy!**

The man I loved

Chapter 3

It has been an hour and a half since we got to the hospital and Sam was taken away from me, I was just sitting there playing with my necklace, hoping to finally get some news about my boyfriend. I've seen many doctors come out, talk to other people in the waiting room, which is why I didn't react when I saw the tall man. He had slightly grey hair, probably in his 50s, and wore a kind, comforting face.

"Family of Sam Winchester" He stated look around the waiting room. I jumped up and walked towards him.

"Hey I'm Jess, I'm his girlfriend, his family isn't here" I stated.

"Alright, I'm Dr. May, I've been taking care of Sam, is there any way to contact his family? I'm really not allowed to give information of his condition to anyone else" He said, I think he was trying to hide the urgency in his voice, but in vain.

"He hasn't talked to any of his family in a while" I said sadly. "But I think he did give me his brother's number, he said to only call him if it is an extreme emergency, I don't think he wants to bother them if it's not. Is it?"

He shot me a sympathetic smile then continued to talk. "I'm afraid so, are you able to make that call now?" He asked.

"Yeah, I'll go" I said pulling out my phone.

"Alright, well, I'll be back to speak with you in a few minutes" He stated as he walked away, in through the double doors.

I must admit, I was really nervous to call Sam's brother. Firstly, he never speaks of his family, which makes me wonder what kind of people they are, I mean, he wouldn't just shut them out for no reason. And secondly, his bother doesn't know me, what if he didn't believe me? What if he yells at me for bothering him? Never the less, I dial his number, pull the phone up to me ear and wait.

One ring, no answer.

Second ring, no answer.

Third ring, no answer and I was starting to worry.

On the forth ring he finally answers, a voice that was rough and sceptical.

"Hello" the voice answers. I wasn't exactly sure what to say, so I just went with the first thing that popped into my head.

"Hey, is this Dean?" I questioned.

"Who is this and what do u want?" he said, his voice angry and impatient.

"This is Jess, Sam's girlfriend… from Stanford" I stated in the nicest voice I could possible master.

Silence.

"What's wrong? Is Sam ok?" He asked, his voice no longer angry but filled with worry and concern.

"Um I don't know, we are in hospital now and they aren't allowed to give me any information since I'm not family, hence why I'm calling you". I said trying to sound as calm as I possibly can, even though I was completely freaking out on the inside, I mean, I don't even know if he is alive.

"Ok, well, what's been going on?" He asked, to anyone else he would sound impatient, but I think he is just worried about his little brother, I mean, I know I am.

"Well he's been having these headaches for a while and they'd gotten really bad lightly. I was going to take him to a doctor this afternoon, when he..."

Deep breaths Jessica, in and out, in and out, in and out. That's it.

"He had some sort of seizure this morning, I d-don't know he just collapsed and, and I didn't really know what to do and, I j-just called 911 and t-they took him away". Tears where flowing down my face now, recalling the events has been hard, it's scary to not know what's going on, to not know if the man I love is ok.

"And n-now they won't tell me anything because in not family and I d-don't know what's going on!... Can you please just get here" I said desperately.

"Alright, alright Jess, it's jess right? Just calm down" He said, I can hear him grabbing car keys and just moments later the engine of his car starts. "I'll be there in a few hours" he stated.

"What about your dad, is he coming?" I asked nervously, I know Sam and his dad didn't part on good terms, but still, this was an emergency, he still cares about his son, doesn't he?

There was silence on the other end of the call as I waited for an answer.

"No, he won't be coming, just me, just hold on ok, I'm on my way" And with that he hung up, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Was Sam's dad really so mad at him that he won't come see him in hospital? I don't know what he could have done that will make a father act like that! But then again, I don't know anything about his family, so I wouldn't know.

I was playing with my necklace, deep in my own world when my thoughts were interrupted as Dr. May appeared in front of me, wearing the same kind face.

"Any luck contacting his family?" He asked gently.

"Um yeah, his brother is coming, he will be here in a few hours" I stated trying to sound confident.

"Any parents?"

I sighed, of cores his parents, or should I say _parent_ , should be here! So why isn't he coming? I felt anger and resentment towards John Winchester, who does this to their child, no wonder Sam is guarded, growing up with a father like that! How many times has he gone through something like this!

Deep breaths Jessica, answer the nice man.

"No, his father isn't coming" I stated hoping the doctor will change the topic. No such luck.

"And his mother?"

Sadness rushed over me now, I know Sam's mum died when he was a baby, the poor thing, growing up never knowing what it's like to have a mom, that must have been really hard on him.

"She's dead" I stated simply.

The doctor just nodded and gave me a sympathetic look, which sent the anger rising up again. I'm not the one he should look at like that, I'm not the one that grew up with no mother and a screwed up father, and I'm not the one I'm hospital fighting…. whatever the hell this is!

"Alright" The doctor stated as he started to walk away. "I must go back to my patients now, have me paged when his brother arrives alright?"

I just gave him a small nod and he walked away, steady steps in through the double doors one again, and was all alone. I considered calling a friends to come stay with me, but then I thought better of it, Sam wouldn't want anyone else here, especially if this ends up being nothing, though I have a feeling we won't get that lucky.

So I just sat there, alone in the waiting room, playing with the necklace that was hanging around my neck, begging for Sam's brother to arrive already so I can find out what's wrong with my boyfriend.

 **So that's that! Don't worry, next chapter Dean will finally arrive at the scene. How will he take this all in? hhhhmmmmm….. I wonder (evil grin)**

 **So don't forget to review, favourite, and follow this story for more!**

 **-Mika xxx**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you so much for everyone that's been leaving reviews! I really appreciate it and it motivates me to keep on writing knowing that people enjoy my work/**

 **Sooooo…. You guys ready for dean to finally arrive at the scene? I sure am aha!**

 **Let's see what's happens when Dean and Jess meet for the first time…. Will they instantly like each other? Hate each other? No matter what there is one thing that they surely have in common, they both care deeply for out little Sammy.**

 **So without further ado…. Let's get this started!**

The man I loved

Chapter 4

I've been sitting in the waiting room for 4 hours now, only leaving to get that coffee I desperately needed, crying really sucks the energy out of you. I'm not usually the crying kind of person, I try my best to be a strong, tough woman like my mum had thought me when I was growing up, but this, this was just too much. The man I love was taken away from me and in a moment I felt my whole world crashing down around me, I can't lose Sam, I just can't, he's my soul mate, I knew it from the first moment we met. And now, if anything happens to him…. No! I'm not even going to think about that, Sam is fine, he is going to be fine.

I was broken out of my thoughts when a man, slightly shorter than Sam, with short spiky hair, a leather jacket and bright emerald eyes burst through the doors into the waiting room. The look he wore was one of anger and worry and like he was ready to kill anyone who gets in his way.

"Where the hell is my brother" he yelled. A nurse came up to him trying to calm him down and I knew this is my que. I slowly walked towards him, being cautious not to further aggravate that already hysterical man.

"Dean?" I questioned, I knew it had to be him, but I had to make sure just in case. He turned around to me and right away he relaxed slightly. Then he nodded.

"Jess I'm guessing" He said, every second that goes by he becomes more calm, I don't know why, he didn't even know me, I'm guessing I just give him some sort of connection to his brother that he hasn't seen in, what? 2 years now. I'm not sure, but for the moment, I'm just glad I was able to tame the beast inside Dean Winchester.

I smile at him and nodded. Then I turn to the nurse that was attempting to calm him seconds earlier.

"Can you page Dr. May please?" I asked in the most polite voice I could masters. The nurse nodded and walked away, back to the nurse's station where she picked up the phone.

"Just wait a minute, take a seat in the waiting room and he'll be right with you" she smiled and walked off and I was left alone with my boyfriend's brother.

We both went over to the lines of chairs in the waiting room and sat opposite each other facing one another. The atmosphere was highly uncomfortable, after all, this was the first time we've met, I must admit, it isn't how I pictured meeting my boyfriend's family. He sat with his elbows on his knees and his hands covering his face, rubbing it and pinching the bridge of his nose.

"So" I said, trying to initiate some sort of conversation with the man sitting in front of me. Rubbing my neck awkwardly I continued. "How was the drive here?"

That's not what I wanted to ask, I wanted to question why their dad wasn't coming at a time when Sam was obviously in need, even if I don't know what's really going on. But I know John Winchester is a sore topic for Sam, so I figured it might be for Dean as well, and I don't need him losing it right now. I've only met him a few minutes ago and I can already tell the man has a very bad temper.

"It was ok, long…. Obviously" He said, I didn't really know how to reply, which is why I was extremely glad when the doctor walked into the room. He recognised me, walked straight towards us, when Dean realised this, he stood and took an 'Alfa male' stance.

"What's going on with my brother?" he asked, his voice hard and unforgiving. The doctor just smiled, face full of understanding as he gestured us both towards a room at the end of the hallway.

"Come with me" he smiled again. "I think it would be better if we talk in privet in my office" with that he was off towards the room, Dean and myself not far behind him.

His office was fairly small and everything was extremely tidy. On the walls hung multiple framed certificates for god knows what, and all of the papers on his desk where in neat little piles. I looked around noting the small picture frames that were filled with pictures of him and his family, it made me smile, this guy seems really nice.

Dr. May sat down in the chair behind his desk, and both me and Dean sat on the other side facing him, waiting to know what is going on with a person we both love very much.

"Alright, well, Sam was brought in a few hours ago, giving us time to run some tests. With the CAT scan and the MRI we were finally able to come up with a diagnosis for Sam".

My heart was beating faster now, by the sympathetic tone in the doctor's voice, I knew this couldn't be good, and I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to hear what he had to say. I looked at Dean and I could tell he got the same conclusion as I did, and we both sat waiting for him to deliver the news.

"I'm afraid that Sam has….."

 **I'm sorry! Please don't kill me (laughs nervously).**

 **So I finished this chapter off with a little bit of a cliffy there, but I'm sure you guys can manage till tomorrow aha.**

 **Please don't forget to review, favourite, and follow me and this story for more.**

 **-Mika xxx**


	5. Chapter 5

**Before I start this chapter I would just like to tell you all that I am not a medical professional! My knowledge is limited to my human biology class at school and my first aid cores. So please forgive me if I've made any mistakes when it comes to that stuff, not that it really matters that much to the story, but anyways, just go easy guys.**

 **Alright, so we will finally get to see what Sam's diagnosis is, you guys exited? I sure am! And just how will his loved ones react? To me that is the more important question.**

 **That's enough rambling on my part, let's start this thing!**

The man I loved

Chapter 5

"I'm afraid Sam has a form brain cancer".

The room was so silent you could hear a pin drop and for I moment I could have sworn no one was breathing.

Brain cancer!? No, that can't be right, Sam is not that sick, he can't be!

I felt myself starting to hyperventilate as I stood form the chair and walked over to the window in effort of trying to calm myself down. I can't believe this is happening, this is Sam, he is the kindest, smartest, sweetest guy I have ever met, this shouldn't be happening to him, he doesn't deserve this! I turned back around to look at Dean, the poor guy must be devastated. His face was pale and his hands were shaking, though his eyes, were full of nothing but anger, which confused me slightly.

"Care to elaborate" Dean asked the doctor, looking into his eyes as if he is staring into his sole, I would hate to be on the receiving end of that look.

"Well, it's a tumour on his occipital lobe called a Glioblastoma" the doctor said with a small smile, I could have sworn he was slightly afraid of Dean, though I wouldn't be surprised I must admit the guy is intimidating.

"So" Dean continued, "What are you going to do to fix my little brother?" he asked, his voice slightly less angry and a little more pleading.

"I'm afraid the tumour is deep within his brain, so we can't operate, the risk is too high. At this point, I think our best option would he chemotherapy" the doctor said, his voice soft, contradicting the serious look on his face.

I was looking back and forth between dean and the doctor. Dr. Mays face was calm and understanding, he's clearly been there and that, and has had to deliver news like that to families many times before. Dean looked completely defeated and devastated. He obviously cares about his brother a lot, which confused me since he has hardly tried to contact him at school. I wanted to go over and comfort Dean, but I honestly don't know how, I kind of needed comforting myself.

It has been silent in the room for a few minutes now, everyone just looking at each other, speechless, I decided to finally break the silence and spoke.

"Can we see him?" I asked, directed at the doctor, but a moment later I turned around to look at Dean.

"Sure" the doctor answered.

"He has only regained consciousness once but he became so agitated we had to sedate him so he'll be out for a while. But I'm sure you will like to see him anyway, so follow me" he said smiling as he stood up and started walking.

Dean and I followed Dr. May as he exited his office. We walked for a little while until we entered ICU, just thinking about Sam being in this place made my heart drop and my chest tense up. We walked a further few minutes until we stopped in front of ICU room number 102. The doctor tuned and looked at us both before he spoke.

"Alright, I need to tell you guys what to expect when you get in there" he took a deep breath before he began to speak.

"Now Sam is still unconscious so he will be unresponsive and won't be able to hear you. At least not for another few hours when he starts to wake up. His lungs are working fine so we had no need to put him on a ventilator, though he does have an oxygen mask on. We have him connected to an IV which is currently delivering pain relievers into his system. There is a feeding tube in his nose, though we will be able to take that out as soon as he wakes again. We have him connected to multiple monitors that are constantly checking his vitals. His heart rate, oxygen saturation, temperature and breath rate are constantly measured, along with his blood pressure that is automatically checked every 10 minutes. We must keep a close eye on him, and when he wakes, it is essential that you two do your best to calm him down, we don't want to have to sedate him, but if he becomes too agitated we will have to, we can't allow him to hurt himself further."

Taking in all the information, I nodded in understanding. I looked over to Dean which was standing next to me and saw he was doing the same. With that the doctor spoke again.

"Alright then, if you two feel ready you may go in. I'll be back to check on my patient in a little while and I already have two chairs set up in the room for both of you to sit in."

I nodded again and turned my gaze from the doctor to the door, the one physical thing standing between me and the man I loved. Dean stepped forward and opened the door and I followed closely behind.

 **So that's it for today! Hope you guys enjoyed this little angst filled chapter, I sure enjoyed writing it!**

 **Thank you to everyone that's been reading, but you guys know what would be really nice? If you post a review and tell me what you think. It can be good, bad, guesses of what will happen next, all opinions are welcome!**

 **Till tomorrow…**

 **-Mika xxx**


	6. Chapter 6

**I know I usually post earlier on in the day, but I have just had a really horrible day and a lot of crap happened, so…. Forgive me?**

 **On a happier note, thank you so much everyone! I have been getting a ton of great reviews and they have really helped motivate me to write more.**

 **In this chapter Jess and Dean will finally enter Sam's room. What would their reaction be? We will have dean asking some questions (to which he may like or hate the answer) and jess reminiscing about some old times with Sam.**

 **Hope you all enjoy it!**

The man I loved

Chapter 6

As soon as I entered the room I stopped, eyes focusing on the too still man lying in the bed in front of me. I still couldn't believe this was happening, I mean cancer, this is huge. From a small headache a few weeks ago to lying unconscious in ICU fighting brain cancer. Brain, Sam's brain was something he took a lot of pride in. He was incredibly smart, even compared to the many genius students at Stanford, and though he always got extremely anxious before tests and exams, he always aced them. This man's intelligence is one of the things that made me fall in love with him in the first place, that sparkle in his eye whenever he talked about something he was passionate about was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. even though it usually occurred when he talked about law, a topic I knew nothing about, something about the way he talked about it, the passion in his voice, always managed to keep me captivated and interested.

I snapped out of it when Dean ran towards the bed. He quickly took a seat on one of the chairs and held Sam's hand, speaking softly.

"Oh Sammy" He said, he sounded like he could break down any second. "Come on man, why don't you wake up and let me see those eyes huh?".

No such luck, Sam stayed completely still, refusing to make any kind of movement.

It's at this point where I stepped forward and took a seat on the other chair in the room. I took Sam's limp hand in mine, just as I had earlier in the ambulance today. Everything's happened so fast, it weird to think that only a few short hours ago, me and him where in our small apartment, going about our everyday business and everything was normal. But now, we were in hospital, he is on that bed, his brother is here, and nothing would be normal again for a while. That thought saddened me, Sam always seemed to like routine, it kept him calm. I'm guessing he didn't have much stability when he was younger, maybe that's why he craves it so much now. But everything is going to change, things will be so different, and his daily routine will include things that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.

I looked up from his hand onto his face. Though it was pale and still, he seemed surprisingly calm and peaceful, which is not something you can often call Sam Winchester. My mind was extremely conflicted at that point, on one hand, I wanted to leave the room, I couldn't bear seem Sam so damaged and a wave of guilt hit me that I didn't realize sooner. On the other hand, this was Sam, the ultimate boyfriend who always took care of me. I was playing with the small pendant around my neck as a memory flashed into my mind and I thought about the events that occurred only a year or so ago.

Sam and I had only been dating a few months at the time, but we were becoming extremely close and care about each other incredibly, we didn't have our own apartment back them and were both still living in our dorms. That day I came down with a cold, a simple, every day cold that would only keep me out of class for a day or two, but Sam didn't care. As soon as he realized I wasn't in class, he left and called me straight away, I explained to him what was happening and he simply stated that he will make it all better and hung up. Only a few short minutes later he was at my door with soup, my favourite chocolate bad and a bunch of movies. We lay in bed together for the rest of the day, watching movies, laughing, and talking about anything and everything, it just felt so right. He stayed the night in my dorm and made be breakfast in bed the next morning, chocolate chip pancakes, which are my favourite, and coffee made just the way I liked it. I felt so blessed to have him with me that day, and the feeling continued for every day after that. I was the luckiest woman in the world to have Sam Winchester by my side, I mean, I really couldn't have asked for anything better, he is perfect in my eyes.

I have to stay, Sam needs all the support he can get, especially when he wakes up and get the news of what he is going to have to fight. It will crush him, and I had to be there to pick up the pieces, I had to be the girlfriend he deserved.

"How are you doing?" Deans voice burst my little imagination bubble and I looked up at him, My cheeks felt damp, I didn't realize I had been crying, I quickly whipped away my tear and turned my focused back to Dean. All the anger that had been there earlier is gone and his expression is that of nothing but sadness and worry.

"I'm fine" I replied simply. "Anyway, I don't think it's me you should be worrying about" I looked up at Sam for a moment and then turned back to Dean, he nodded in understanding.

"So, I didn't know Sam had a girlfriend. How long have you two been together?" He asked, his expression was that of interest, like he actually cared about the answer I was about to return, maybe he had a good reason for not contacting Sam for so long?

"We've been together for almost two years now" I answered simply.

I watched his eyes grow wide in surprise and a hint of pain, obviously offended by the fact that Sam didn't tell him he was in a long term relationship. I understood why, after all, I have also experienced the same thing, the pain of not feeling trusted by Sam, like he was keeping secrets, obviously it went both ways. That's what I don't understand, why Sam was so determined to keep his past life separate from his current one, and now that Dean is here, I will find some answers, I will finally understand, I have to. The room fell into silence and a few minutes later, the doctor came in to check on Sam.

"He seems to be doing well" Dr. May spoke to us, calm and collected. "At the rate things are going, I think he should start waking up in about three- four hours"

I nodded, Dean did the same, and the doctor walked out, leaving us alone with an unconscious Sam one again.

 **No cliffy this time aha!**

 **I know today's chapter was a little anticlimactic, but I promise you, next will have a lot more in it, including one particularly heated argument.**

 **Don't forget to review, favourite and follow….. Pretty please, for me (tries to copy Sam's puppy dog eyes)**

 **-Mika xxx**


	7. Chapter 7

**Yay! Another new chapter!**

 **In this one I decided to deal with something that many fanfictions have before, that is the fight the night Sam went to Stanford. We don't really know much about that night, except for what was said during the fight between Sam and John in season 1 episode 20, 'Dead man's blood'.**

 **John: you left. Your brother and I, we needed you. You walked away Sam, you walked away!**

 **Sam: you're the one who said don't come back dad, you're the one who closed that door, not me. You were just pissed off you couldn't control me anymore!**

 **So Sammy walked away and his dad told him that if he does, to not come back. I did not actually write a version of the fight, only had dean talking about what happened.**

 **Enough rambling from me aha! Hope you guys enjoy!**

The man I loved

Chapter 7

A few short minutes have passed since the doctor left and my curiosity was starting to get the better of me. I knew I shouldn't go digging for information, especially with what's going on with Sam right now, but I just had to know, I couldn't stand it any longer, I had to bring up to sore topic in hopes that I wouldn't get completely crushed by the rough man sitting in front of me. I took a deep breath before I spoke.

"Dean, can I ask you something?" I said, trying to hide the slight fear in my voice and nervously playing with my necklace. He looked up at me, confusion in his eyes as he nodded sceptically.

"What happened between Sam and your dad? I mean, Sam is in hospital and his father won't come and visit him? I just don't understand that" I looked at him nervously. So many emotions flashed his face, anger, sadness, grief. He didn't look like he wanted to talk, but as soon as he opened his mouth to protest, I spoke again.

"Please try and understand. Sam is so guarded, he won't tell me anything and it's really hard, he knows everything about my past and I know next to nothing about his. Please just help me, give me something, please Dean" I pleaded as my eyes started to water once again, I didn't mean to sound so desperate, but the truth is, I was, I was that desperate. I so badly needed to understand how the Sam I love came to be, I wanted to know the events that led him to be the sweet, kind and caring yet anxious, guarded and secretive man he was today. I needed to know why he was so damaged, and why his dad isn't here, there is just so much that I don't know, so much a need to know.

Dean seemed to understand, he let out a sigh before he started talking. "Well, we've never had a normal life growing up, my dad's job always kept us moving around, and I was fine with it. I accepted this and I loved the family business, Sam on the other hand, did not. He always longed for a normal life, he never wanted the life that came along with the family business, he didn't care much for it. Sam was always the smart one, the geek of the family, he wanted to get out of the life so bad and worked so hard to keep his grades high enough to get into college, and though none of us really believed it wasn't possible, with all the moving around, leave it to Sam to do the impossible thought huh? When he got accepted into Stanford with a full ride, he was so happy, exited, he couldn't wait to go and get his law degree, he always had a passion for law and helping people. Dad on the other hand, had a different idea in mind." Dean took another deep breathe and I realized that whatever was coming, certainly wasn't going to be good, but quite the opposite.

"He came to us that night, eyes filled with hope and excitement. Though he was very good, he was never as good as me or dad at the family business and he finally left like he had accomplished something great, he hoped we would be proud" Guilt filled Deans emerald eyes now and I was getting extremely nervous.

"Dad yelled at him" He said finally. I was completely shocked, why wouldn't a father be proud of his son for getting a full ride to college, any other parent would be showering him with praise not yelling at him.

"He what! Why on earth would he do that?!" I said, I little louder and angrier than I intended, but it just didn't make any sense to me.

Dean sighed again before he continued talking. "Dad was just so fixed on getting Sam into the family business, they got into a full on screaming match. He didn't like the idea of Sam leaving off to college, honestly, I didn't either, but for completely different reasons. It had always been my job to protect Sam, and him going off to college would mean that I couldn't do that, and I just couldn't bare think that something could happen to my little brother and I wouldn't be there, which I why I didn't say anything when dad, um…" Dean took a moment to recollect himself, recalling the events of that evening must have been really hard on him since I could practically see the small tears forming at the corners of his eyes.

"When dad told Sam that if he walked out that door to go to college, to never come back" Dean said finally as he slumped over in his chair and put in head in his hands.

I was completely shocked, no wonder Sam was the way he was! To have a family that didn't believe in him, that crushed all of his dreams and accomplishments, it must have been horrible! I couldn't believe that one of the most wonderful, nicest people I have ever met was treated that way! And by his own flesh and blood! I couldn't control the anger that was now pumping though my veins, the rage I had towards the two older Winchesters spread like wildfire through my body and I felt like I was about to blow.

"How could you do that to him?! Both of you!" I stood up and yelled, letting out the range and anger about the story I just heard.

"Sam is the sweetest, kindest, most caring person I have ever met! How could you, his own family, treat him like this?!" Dean's face was full of both guilt and anger, and though I was scared he was going to yell back, that feeling was overwhelmed by the anger and disappointment and I kept going.

"You know what? Your dad is an ass for saying that to someone as loving and sensitive as Sam! And you, you just stood by and did nothing as you dad practically disowned your little brother! Yeah, you're just as bad!" It was now that I started trying to calm myself down, I took a few deep breaths and flopped back down onto the chair net to Sam, once again taking his limp hand in my shaking one. I looked up at Dean, he looked so distraught and I immediately felt guilty. Closing my eyes and taking a few more deep breaths I spoke again.

"Look, I'm sorry for blowing up like that. It's just the idea that someone did something like that to Sam, it was hard to process and it hurts, so many things make sense now"

"It's ok, I understand, there hasn't been a moment since that night when I haven't felt completely guilty" he stated keeping his gaze down on the floor.

"Then why didn't you make a bigger effort to contact him at school, I mean he hasn't hears from you in what? Almost two years now" I replied, my voice not angry, only laced with disappointment.

"I sort of figured that he wouldn't want to talk to me, yes dad hurt him, but I hurt him more. We have always been close, really close. When dad said that to him he looked at me, he was hopeful, pleading for me to step in and say something, and I said nothing. I could see the exact moment his heart broke, when he tried so hard to hold back the tears as he walked out the door. I should have done something, but I didn't, I left him, all alone in the world, broken and hurt. I couldn't bear the thought of driving to Stanford only to have the door shut in my face, you know?" he said, and I knew it was true, there was no possible way that could have been a lie.

"That's where you're wrong" I stated and he looked up at me confused. "Even though he never talks about you, or your dad much, he always wanted you there, I loves you, and that I know for sure."

I gave Sam a quick glace then turned back to Dean

"I asked him a few times why he didn't contact you, and all he ever said was that you made it clear you didn't want him to and left it at that. That makes so much sense now"

I stated again, so many pieces of the puzzle that is Sam Winchester came together in my mind. Him being practically depressed when he first came here, why he never talked about his family, why he never contacted them, everything was coming together, and even though I didn't like the picture that was forming, I was glad that I had a picture to look at. There were many pieces still missing, but hey its progress.

"He keeps a picture of the two of you on his bedside table, he gives it a quick glance every night, but sometimes I would catch him just staring at it, for minuets he wouldn't even realize I entered the room, he always looked so sad, I didn't understand until now why. He still uses a pen that you gave him you know, I silver one, he uses it during exams mostly. Well, I'm guessing you gave to him since when I asked him where it was from or why he used it, he would tell he it gives him the strength of his big brother"

I think that's what broke Dean, because when I looked up, I saw a lone tear slide down his cheek.

 **So….. Jess got a little angry didn't she. I know its unlike dean not to stand up to her when she yelled at him, but I think that if he really said nothing, like I thought, then he would feel really guilty about it, especially not that Sam is sick.**

 **Anyway, hope you guys liked it!**

 **Please review, favourite and follow me and this story, it makes me really really happy to have your support.**

 **Till next time….. Bye x**

 **-Mika xxx**


	8. Chapter 8

**It always seemed a bit weird to me that the boys don't seem to have any scars with the amount of times they get hurt. Now, I'm good with going with the theory that every time they get healed by an angle all their scars disappear. They didn't know angles even existed before the show, let alone got healed by one, so I felt like I was justified to use this as a trigger of curiosity for jess. I'll admit I might have gone a little bit overboard (oops)…. Forgive me?**

 **Alright, now that that's done, let got this thing started!**

The man I loved

Chapter 8

I sat in the uncomfortable silence, playing around with my necklace, I'm not sure for how long, but it felt like a lifetime. As I looked back up to Sam's face, I once again noticed the scar he has on his neck. Being his girlfriend for so long, I've become pretty familiar with it, along with many of the other scars that were scattered along his body. But the first time I saw them, I was horrified.

 _Sam and I were dating for a month at the time and it was in the middle of summer. The day was extremely hot and a few of us decided to go to the beach, it was our first time down there together and I noticed how uncomfortable he seemed with the whole situation._

 _As soon as we got there all of us started stripping down to our bathing suits to get ready to go into the water, but Sam just stood there, in his jeans and t-shirt, almost like he was unsure of what to do. I was surprised, yeah Sam was shy, but he didn't seem like the self-conscious kind of guy, and honestly, with his arm and leg muscles that I've seen, I was dying to see him with his shirt of._

 _All of our friends were already in the water, laughing, splashing each her, and Sam and I were standing in the sand next to our bags looking out at the ocean. I knew just telling straight away to take his shirt off and get in the water was being a little forward, but the guy wasn't understanding my hints, or if he was, he wasn't acting on it. I had to practically beg him when he finally gave in, and I was shocked at what I saw to say the least._

 _As he took his shirt off, I stood there for a few moments, just staring at my boyfriend's body, covered in different marks and scars. There were three lines that looked a lot like claw marks across his left arm, which was usually covered by his sleeves. There were four scars that looked like bullet holes in varies places around his chest, and the one on his neck that appeared to be from some sort of deranged knife. But the scariest of all was the one stretching across his chest, starting from his left shoulder and working its way across his chest to his right hip. It was almost an inch wide in some places and the shiny skin the covered the cut was slightly protruding above his chest._

 _A feeling of dread rushed over me as the information sunk in, it looked like he had been tortured. Each scar was special, it told a story of a horrible experience Sam must have endured, and just thinking about him having to go through what had left those marks on his skin, made my heart drop._

 _I don't know how long I was staring, but next thing I know Sam's head is bowed down and he is looking at me through his bangs, eyes filled with sadness and fear. I didn't know what to do, we just stood there, staring at each other, waiting for someone to say something, but I didn't know what I could say, nothing I could say could erase the experiences that gave Sam those scars from his mind.I could have asked him what happened, but Sam doesn't talk about his past as it is, let alone something like that. So I just took his hand and led him down to the water, as we got there, I looked up and shot him a reassuring smile, trying to convey without words that this doesn't change a thing. He seemed to have gotten the message and sent me a back a smile of relief._

Through our time together, I have discovered many more scars in different places of his body. His fingers, thighs, back, it seemed like every time I looked a new one appeared. No matter how many I discovered, it never got easier when I saw a new one, the only thing it did was add to the constant concern and curiosity within me.

Maybe this was my chance to find out about those too. So what if our last conversation didn't go incredibly well but hey, it could have been a lot worse. So I decided to go for it.

"Hey Dean" I said in a questioning voice, he looked up at me and I continued. "Look I know this is probably not something you want to talk about, but…" I hesitated, this was probably a really bad idea, but I went on anyway. "Why does Sam have so many scars? I mean, I counted 18 individual ones so far and I'm sure there are more I haven't seen. It just so confusing, what happened to him?"

At that moment Dean looked extremely scared as he stared at me and then turned to look at Sam, evidently squeezing his hand harder. He just stared at his brother for a while, as if a montage of memories were running through is head, bad memories, ones he didn't want to remember. Then he turned to me and opened his mouth to speak.

"Have you ever seen Sam fight?" he asked simply and turned to look at me for a moment.

The question seemed so odd to me, Sam wouldn't hurt a fly let alone fight an actual person. Yes, he was strong, very strong, and muscly, but he wasn't violent, I could even imagine him in a fight.

"No" I answered simple and sceptically

"Dad, being an ex- marine, raised us up to be warriors, to be able to defend ourselves from anyone or anything. We did physical training every night as kids, and even though it was hard, and Sam hated it. It gave us very important skills that we've both had to use" Dean took a deep breath and looked down at the floor.

"Trouble just always seemed to find Sam you know? He is like a huge, danger magnet no matter where he goes" He looked up and shot me a quick smile, I reciprocated. He continued.

"Look, I know you're curious, but Sam will tell you what he wants you to know, I have no right to make the decision for him" I was really hoping for some more information, but this conversation wasn't going to get me anywhere, so I decided to leave it at that. I went back to playing with my necklace quietly.

 **Another chapter done!**

 **Hope you guy liked it x**

 **Please, if you have a minute, post a review and tell me what you think so far! Hate it? Love it? All criticisms are welcome.**

 **-Mika xxx**


	9. Chapter 9

**You guys every wondered how Sam and jess met? We know from season 5 episode 20 'the devil you know' the Sammy was introduced to jess by Brady, and that's about all the information we have on that.**

 **Sam: Brady?**

 **Brady: Brady hasn't been Brady in years. Not since, oh….. Middle of our sophomore year?**

 **Sam: what?**

 **Brady: that's right. You had a devil on your shoulder even back then. All right, now, let it all sink in**

 **Sam: you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch! You introduced me to jess!**

 **Brady: ding, ding! I think he's got it!**

 **So in this chapter I decided to give a very short version of how I think they met.**

 **Alright, hope you guys enjoy!**

The man I loved

Chapter 9

Dean didn't wait long to take it upon himself to change the subject. He let out a small sigh as he got ready to speak.

"So" he started simply "Since I didn't know you existed until a couple of hours ago I never got to hear, you know, the story" He shot me a cheeky smile and continued.

"So, how does someone like yourself" He said gesturing towards my body "End up with a little geek like my brother over here, I mean, I know you must have had plenty of guys going for you so….what happened? As in how did you two meet?"

I stared at him for a moment then smiled back, the story of how we met is simple, nothing special really, but he seemed interested so I just went for it.

"We met at a college party believe it or not" I said laughing slightly and Dean raised his eyebrows. We both knew the Sam wasn't exactly a party animal, he was more of the sit in the corner and read kind of guy.

"One of his friends, Brady actually, dragged him there. It was a party ran by a mutual friend of ours." Dean smiled at me, then gestured me to continue.

"So, Sam being Sam, was sitting in the corner by himself, reading a book. Not trying to be cocky but like you said, I did have a lot of guys come my way, but none of them were the kind of guys I was looking for. You know, the jocks, all the overly confident dicks, and I was so sick of it, so I decided it was time for a change." I looked at Sam for a moment and then turned back to Dean, we seemed to be captivated in my story.

"So I was talking with Brady and a few other friends when I mentioned how I was so sick of always dating the arrogant dicks….. You know that look people get when they come up with what they think is a brilliant plan?" I asked rhetorically but Dean answered anyway.

"I invented that look" he said as if it was a known fact.

I smiled and continued.

"Well, that was Brady at that moment. He said he had this friend, Sam" I said gesturing to Sam with my head.

"He said he was a really nice, smart guy but he was kind of shy and told me he thinks we will be a perfect match. To be honest, I was hesitant at first, I mean, I thought the kind of guy he was describing must have some kind of major defect to still be single. But he assured me I was wrong and took me to him. Look, I don't believe in love at first sight, I think it's stupid and shallow to fall in love with the way someone looks. But I don't know, the moment I saw him, the moment I looked into those huge hazel eyes, there was something. I wouldn't say it was love, that wasn't until a few months later, but there was like this spark, and I knew this guy was special." I said and I could feel my face go warm as I started blushing, playing around with my necklace I continued.

"I thank Brady every day that he introduced me to the man that ended up being the love of my life." I stated finally and looked up at Dean, his eyes were wide with surprise and happiness and he turned to Sam and squeezed his shoulder.

"Love huh Sammy? Looks like you did well here on your own didn't you?"

This was the happiest I've seen Dean since he walked in through the doors of the waiting room earlier today. His eyes were bright, full of pride and excitement, and I was glad I was able to contribute to that. Then he turned back to face me, his eyes instantly falling to the floor and filling with the same sadness again.

"Are you going to stay?" he asked sounding like an innocent little kid. I honestly didn't know what he meant so I just settled for a confused tilt of my head and waited for him to elaborate.

"I mean, your life together here together is pretty great but that's all going to change now. I want you to stay with him, I really do, you two seem to make each other very happy, but it's going to be a long hard road, are you sure this is what you want?"

He asked and I finally understood. He thought that because of this, because of this horrible thing Sam has fallen ill to, I was just going to leave him. A little bit of anger rose back in me at the accusation, but I pushed it down.

"I love Sam, unconditionally, and nothing that will ever happen can change that. Sam has always been there to defend me, take care of me, now it's time for me to return the favour. I'm not leaving, not ever." I said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. I looked up at Dean and he nodded, a look of relief rushed over his face and I smiled.

"Thankyou" he said "I mean, this whole thing is going to be really hard on him and he is going to need our help."

Dean turned his gaze to the floor.

"Sam is very used to being left behind, alone, and I'm just really glad he has you"

He smiled at me and I nodded in understanding. He was right, Sam was going to need us, he was going to need me, and there was no way I was letting him down, not now, not ever.

 **I felt it was necessary for me to put that little bit of doubt into deans head about jess sticking around. With all of the neglect from their dad and the death of their mom, I feel as though they would have a slight fear of abandonment.**

 **Hope you guys liked this chapter!**

 **Please review of you have a second, I love hearing what you all have to say**

 **-Mika xxx**


	10. Chapter 10

**So…. The big moment is finally here!**

 **To be completely honest, I'm a little nervous to post this chapter, i really hope I did it justice. I'm also really excited as my favourite character on the show finally makes his entrance into the story.**

The man I loved

Chapter 10

It has been almost two hours with only small talk being exchanged between Dean and myself. I was playing with my necklace once again and we were bathing in one of our periods of comfortable silence, when I notices the small flinch of Sam's finger inside my hand. Dean had obviously noticed also as he was now standing up and stroking the side of Sam's face pleading for him to wake up.

"come on Sammy, wake up for me kiddo. You can do it"

Surprisingly it worked as the next thing I know, Sam starts slowly floating back into consciousness. With a small flutter of his eyelashes Sam had finally opened those beautiful hazel eyes I have been dying to see for what feels like a lifetime. I was the first to speak.

"Hey baby" I said, not trying to hide the relief in my voice.

Sam didn't say a thing, he just sent me one of his signature smiles that always made my heart melt, and this time was not different. I smiled back as I blushed slightly.

He then unlocked his eyes from mine as they started wondering around the room. His eyes grew wide as he saw Dean standing over him, a look of confusion clearly plastered on Sam's still pale face.

"Hey there Sammy, how you feeling" said Dean with a smile that replicated mine. Sam just lay there in sock, his gaze not leaving his brothers emerald eyes.

"D-Dean?" Sam's voice was quiet and horse as he spoke, "What are you doing here?"

Dean noticeably deflated at the question. He let out sigh before answering, obviously trying to bring a little light-heartedness into the clearly tense situation.

"Well, your little girlfriend here called and I just couldn't resist the opportunity to see my pain in the ass little brother again".

Dean chuckled as he ruffled Sam's hair, Sam reciprocated with a chuckle of his own as he started to once again look around the room. As it dawned him where he was he turned to me with panicked eyes.

"Why am I in a hospital? What happened?" he asked, sounding like an innocent, confused, five year old.

Those are questions I wished I didn't have to answer, but knew I had to.

As a recalled the events of the day for what felt like the millionth time, I watches as Sam's eyes grew wider and wider. You really couldn't deny Sam talent to look like a puppy that has been kicked too many times, the face he was wearing at that moment was enough to make anyone cry, let alone the dawning question he asked next.

"J-Jess, what's wrong with me?" he asked and I could see the quite hope in his voice that this was nothing major. A hope that I had to crush with the words I said next. The words that broke my heart only a few hours earlier, the words I wished no one would ever have to say to anyone, the words I knew would send my boyfriend's world crushing down around him.

"Sam" I stared. I looked at Dean for a moment, the emotions on his face mirroring mine. Fear, desperation, anxiety, but mostly, dread.

"Um, baby, I know this is going to be hard to process but just know that both Dean and I are here for you ok? We are going to get through this". Sam looked at me with fearful eyes.

"What is it jess? Just tell me" he pleaded, after a few moments he turned his head "Dean?"

Gaze now fixed on his brother, to my relief, Dean now took the burden of saying the dreaded words as he opened his mouth to speak to his little brother.

"Sammy, you have brain cancer" Dean stated simply.

Both Dean and I looked at Sam, anticipating the reaction to come. We had never been in a situation like this before, I had no idea how he would react to such news. Would he be angry and start screaming and yelling? Would he be sad and break down crying? Would he be in denial and ask to be tested again? But one reaction I definitely did not anticipate was the one we got.

Sam just sat there, he looked from me to Dean a few times, the expression on his face unreadable, then he turned to look forward. We sat in silence for what felt like forever, Sam staring blankly at the wall in front of him as through it was the most interesting things in the world. It was Dean who broke the silence.

"Sammy?" he asked. "Come on man say something"

Sam turned to look at Dean for a moment before turning his gaze back to the plain white wall, then he spoke.

"Can you two give me some time alone please" he said, his voice conveying no emotion what so ever.

I was shocked, I couldn't understand why, in a time like this, he would want to be alone. If the roles were reversed I would have wanted him to cuddle me, comfort me, and tell me everything was going to be ok. And he wanted to be alone?

"What?" I asked confusion in my voice, "Baby, I don't think…." I never got to finish that sentence as Sam cut me off.

"Please, I just need a moment to myself." He stated "I'll call you guys back when I'm ready."

Though still confused I nodded and started to get up from my chair. Dean mirrored my actions as we both walked out the door, leaving Sam to his own throughs, in the hospital room, all alone.

 **What did you guys think of Sam's reaction?**

 **I feel like he always felt like less then dean and his dad, like the vulnerable little kid that needed to be protected. When he left his family, he got to feel strong and independent and this diagnosis would be taking that away from him. He doesn't want to be seen in this weaker state so he asks to be alone; he wants to keep on the brave front.**

 **Alrighty then!**

 **Please review if you have a moment, it always means a lot to me!**

 **Till tomorrow…..**

 **-Mika xxx**


	11. Chapter 11

**So, what did you think of Sam's reaction?**

 **This chapter was a little more difficult to write for me, but I think I definitely got the point I wanted across. I know you guys probably wanted to know what Sam was doing alone in that room, but just remember, this is from Jess's POV.**

 **Alright, let's get this thing going!**

The man I loved

Chapter 11

As Dean and I walked out of Sam's room, we entered the ICU waiting room and sat in the chairs opposite each other, the same position we took earlier that day as we were waiting for Sam's diagnosis.

The waiting room was completely quiet and we were the only ones in there, which was surprising considering this was such a huge hospital. We sat there in silence, both consumed by our own thoughts.

I didn't think it was a good idea for Sam to be left alone at a time like this, his reaction to the news took me completely off guard and I was still confused as to what to do about it. Though Sam was a sensitive, considerate guy, he didn't really like to talk when it came to difficult times, exam time was a prime example.

 _Exams were a horrible time for all students at Stanford, papers, studying, lectures, the lot, and I knew that coming into it. I have never been the nervous kind of person, I have learned to keep my anxiety under control for most of the time, a skill I was very happy I mastered before exam period. Always, a few weeks before his exams, Sam would start being uncharacteristically quite, yes he was usually shy, but this took it to a whole new level. He would only speak when spoken too and downright refused to stop studying for a second except to go to the bathroom and eat, occasionally. I guess I did admired him for the determination, but it made for an extremely boring and tense few weeks of silence in our small apartment. Then there was the week before exams, that's when things would get brutal. The nightmares that would normally plague him would become ten times worse, so bad that he took it upon himself to sleep on the couch instead of our bed in order to not disturb me. Sam felt more anxiety then most people during this time, he was so determine to please his family, these people who probably didn't even know he is taking these torturous exams. I knew talking about it would help, but Sam always refused. He didn't like talking about his feeling and just went about being the quite, as I would call him, 'pre-exam Sam', since during those times, he wouldn't act like the Sam I knew at all. During stressful ad upsetting times, silence seemed to be my boyfriend's best friend._

Looking back, I probably shouldn't have been surprised by Sam's reaction, I should have expected it, though that didn't make it any easier to except. It was a few more minutes of silence until Deans slightly angry voice broke through the dream bubble I was floating in at the time.

"Ok, what the hell was that?" he asked. I don't think he was really angry, just worried beyond belief, and who could blame him.

"I don't like this, not one bit. He shouldn't be alone right now!" that's when he looked up and our eyes met, I could see the desperation on his face as he spoke again.

"Jess, I really don't think he should be alone" he said finally.

I agreed, I completely and totally agreed. But I knew trying to force Sam into conversation will only make things worse, and that definitely not what he needed right now.

"Look Dean, I know it's hard for you to leave him alone, hell, it's hard for me too, but this is just what he needs right now. We need to give him some space, let him digest things, I mean, I know how hard it was for me to process this, I can't even imagine what he is going through right now. We just need to give him time, he'll come around" I said, trying to sound confident as a shot Dean a smile.

"I know I just…." Dean paused for a minute to regain his composure.

"He's my little brother, I want to be there for him, I want to help him through this. I just wish he'd let me" Dean said as a sigh escaped his lips and he looked back down at the floor.

I stood up from my chair and took a seat next to Dean. I wrapped what I hoped was a comforting arm around his shoulder and pulled him towards me, making his head rest on my shoulder and my head rest on top of his head. Dean was stiff for a moment but then gave in to the contact, relaxing slightly in my arms.

"It's going to be ok Dean, we just have to wait patiently until he calls us back in, It's all going to be alright" I said. I'm not sure who I was trying to convince, Dean or myself, but that doesn't matter because it seemed to work, just a little bit.

We just sat there, me and my boyfriend's big brother, silently comforting each other, even though, be both knew the person who needed comforting at that moment, was the young man in ICU room number 102. The one refusing to talk or get any kind of emotional assistance.

It was about a 30 minuet wait until a nurse came into the waiting room, telling us Sam was ready to see us. We both practically sprinted down the hall to Sam's room, desperate to see the person we loved so much again.

As I burst into the room I froze for a moment seeing Sam In his hospital bed, sitting up slightly. His body was facing forward but his face was turned away from us, staring out the window at the cars that were driving down the road, to a destination unknown to us.

Dean was slightly in front of me, walking slowly towards Sam's bed he spoke, his voice was soft and only slightly higher than a whisper in volume.

"Hey Sammy"

Sam turned his face towards us and that's when I caught one of the most horrible sites I have ever witnesses, one that will be engraved into my mind forever. Sam's eyes were extremely red and puffy and there where tear tracks running down his face. His mouth was trembling slightly as if he was about to break out into sobs at any moment and his hands were clutching the sheets like a lifeline, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to consume him.

I watched as Dean froze at the site and the room was completely silence.

All three of us were the very picture of misery and I had no idea what to do. I wished so badly that I could take Sam's pain away, but I couldn't, so I settled for the once thing I could do.

I stepped forward and stood in front of Sam on the side of his bed. With my left hand I took Sam's head and pulled it to my chest, my right hand on Sam's back as I pulled him into a tight, comforting hug. At first he seemed to try and resist it, but after a few moments he gave in and hugged me back.

"I'm fine Jess, really, I'm ok" he said trying to sound confident. It astounded me the after finding out he has cancer, he was the one comforting me! It just doesn't make any sense! Shouldn't it be the other way around!

I understood, he has always been so strong and independent, this vulnerability was completely new to him and he had no idea what to do with it. It made me want to cry my eyes out too. But I didn't, I had to be strong for Sam.

As I held Sam Winchester in my arms I felt my heart break more and more. He didn't deserve this and there was nothing I could do to make things better besides standing there and holding him. I would stand there until my legs fall off if that's what Sam needed, because there was nothing I wouldn't do for him, absolutely nothing.

 **Liked it? Hated it? Please give me your opinions; it really makes my day when I get a review!**

 **Thank you for reading my story, till tomorrow….**

 **-Mika xxx**


	12. Chapter 12

**Alright, so I have an issue to address. I've been asked about Dean and why he hasn't done absolutely everything, no matter how bad, to save Sam's like (like he did in cold oak). Here's I what I have to say. Firstly, that I not what I wanted to focus on in this story and just as a reminder, all of the things that happened so far have been on the first day of them finding out. Second, you need to think about the time this story occurs in, before the show. So many of the things they know about now, they discovered on the show, so they would have been oblivious to them before. Angles, healers, crossroads demons, they have no idea any of these things exist. So give me a break would you? Aha**

 **Alright, there are a few months between the end of the last chapter and the beginning of this one, so keep that in mind.**

The man I loved

Chapter 12

The next few months, though hard, were filled with hope and excitement as we saw Sam slowly improving with the chemotherapy. He spent the first few weeks of treatment in hospital but eventually, he was realised home and only had to come back for treatments. I was there for him every step of the way, encouraging, helping, showing our support, and Sam seemed to really appreciate that. Dean was there too most of the time, though he seemed to leave for short periods at a time, saying he had something important to do. Him and I would spend hours at the hospital with Sam, going through treatments, and when Sam was asleep, id catch him reading strange looking books that I couldn't begin to understand.

John Winchester on the other hand still refused to come see his son, which I thought was absolutely crazy! I would overhear Dean talking to him of the phone, telling him that Sam was more important than 'the hunt', whatever that meant. Nothing seemed to be able to change his mind and I could feel my boyfriend slowly losing faith in his absentee father, and I couldn't blame him.

Sam took a few semesters off school and delayed getting his law degree that he had been working so hard on, this really allowed him to relax and focus and getting better, on fighting, on staying alive.

Sam's attitude slowly improved during the duration of the treatment, he seems to almost have gotten used to it. Though that was a relief, he had a much easier time dealing with this horrible situation, the thought saddened me every time, he didn't deserve this, he shouldn't have had to get used to this.

He lost all his hair in the first few weeks of treatment; it was almost as if a part of Sam died along with it. Sam's hair is such an iconic part of him, those chocolate brown long bangs that he would often use to shield himself from the world, they were gone. Though after a while, we all got used to it and didn't care as much, he was still the most beautiful person to me, inside and out.

Dean, myself and even Sam were all getting really optimistic as Sam's health was slowly improving and thing seemed to going well….. Until they weren't.

It seemed that as soon as we hit the four month mark, things started going south at lightning speed. It was as if the chemotherapy just suddenly stopped working and the cancer starting coming back with a vengeance. Sam was becoming weaker and weaker by the day to the point where he spent most of his days sleeping and could hardly do anything for himself.

I will never forget the night that I realised how quickly Sam was really deteriorating. He was getting frustrated at the fact that he couldn't do anything for himself and insisted on going to the kitchen and getting water for himself. I shouldn't have let him, but my boyfriend pulled out his most powerful weapon, the puppy dog eyes, and I gave in. He was making his way back over to the couch when I heard a glass shatter followed by a loud thump, Sam had collapsed on the floor. He wasn't unconscious, though I wished he was when I saw him curled up in the fatal position on the floor, holing his head and groaning in pain. I yelled for Dean to call 911 and was on the floor in a second, rubbing circles on Sam's back, whispering words of encouragement and trying to hold back the panic that was rising up inside me. Dean came beside me at some point, but I didn't pay him any attention, my soul focus was on Sam. We stayed there on the floor until the paramedics came, though by that point, Sam has lost his consciousness and was lying motionless on the floor.

Before I knew it, I was back in the ICU waiting room, waiting for Sam's doctor to come and give us the news. At that point, I wished I was back in the oncology ward, I hated it there, but this place was so much worse, this place meant Sam was in critical condition and I was at risk of losing him, and that was the worse feeling I have ever felt.

It seemed like forever until the familiar face of Dr. May walked into the room and towards Dean and myself.

"It's good to see you two again, though I wish it was under better circumstances" he said with a sad smile.

"I'm afraid it's not good news. Sam has started to develop secondaries…." The doctor said before Dean cut him off

"More cancer!" he exclaimed.

"Yes, there is a new growth on his kidney and it is failing. There is also very intense bleeding in his brain due to the already existing tumour, which is was would have caused the collapse earlier today" he said with a sigh.

"So what now?" I asked fearfully.

"Well, we were able to get his bleeding under control but we can't guarantee it won't come back. And as for the kidney failure, we will not try and replace it, he is too weak to try an operation this dangerous. If I were you, I would just go in there and be with Sam when he wakes up. I'm sorry there isn't more we can do but the chemo is failing and honestly things aren't looking good. I really thing you two should prepare yours eves, as well as call anyone else Sam might be close to" he said sending us and apologetic look.

When the words hit my ears I felt my heart drop as I processed the meaning behind them. 'There isn't more we can do'….. 'Things aren't looking good'….. 'prepare yourselves', they were trying to let us down gently! But it wasn't going to come to that, I couldn't come to that, this wasn't the end.

I turned to Dean and I swear I could see smoke coming out of his nose as he huffed angrily.

"What do you mean there isn't anything else you can do! Your doctor for f*** sake! Fix him!" he yelled and I was surprised the whole world handing hear.

Dr. May let out a sigh before he spoke.

"Look, I'm not saying that this is the end, though very small, there is a chance for Sam to make a recovery" He was obviously trying to bring some positivity into the situation, it wasn't working, not at all.

"He should wake up soon, do you two want to go see him?" he asked. Dean and I nodded in unison and followed Dr. May back through the halls of ICU into Sam's new room. I needed to see my boyfriend, I needed to help him fight, he needed me.

Reaching the room, we both took our seat on opposite sided of Sam's bed and settled in for the long wait that was ahead.

A few hours later Sam woke up. He told us to go get some food and that he wanted some time alone, he seemed so determined and who was I to deny him anything at that point. He looked too weak for comfort, but I was hungry and so was Dean, so we let Sam have some alone time and started walking out of the room.

"Dean, Jess" Sam said hesitantly and we both turned around.

"I, um… I just love you guys" he said, shyly looking down at the floor.

"Yeah I know you do" Dean said with a cocky smile as he walked out the door.

I quickly made my way over to Sam and laid a quick kiss on his forehead, as I looked into his eyes and smiled at how soft and innocent he looked at that moment.

"I love you too baby" I said as I turned around and walked out the door to join Dean.

Little did I know that next time I saw Sam, it would change my life forever.

 **Little bit of a cliffy there…. Please don't hate me!**

 **What was the last sentence all about? Will Sammy make a miraculous recovery, or will he take a turn for the worst?**

 **What did you think of this chapter? Please tell me by posting a review, it makes me feel all warm and happy inside when I hear from you guys.**

 **Till next time…..**

 **-Mika xxx**


	13. Chapter 13

**I can't believe I actually got here….. The last chapter of this story.**

 **I'm actually really sad, this has been my most popular story so far and for it to finish is just, well, sad.**

 **But, let's not dwell on the negative.**

 **I hope you guys enjoy the last chapter of this story!**

The man I loved

Chapter 13

Both Dean and myself were sitting at the cafeteria table, eating our breakfast, drinking our coffee and thinking the most important thing to us right now, Sam. I was playing with my necklace as the events of the last few weeks played through my head over and over again.

My thought bubble was broken by yelling coming from the end of the hall, followed by a few medical professionals rushing past me and Dean. My eyes followed them and my heart dropped as I realized where they were entering, Sam's room.

Dean and I sprinted down to the end of the hall where Sam was staying, as we got there I couldn't believe the site in front of me. Doctors and nurses surrounding Sam's form as they tried to bring him back to life. The main doctor yelled at everyone to back away.

"Clear" He yelled as he put two pads on Sam's chest sending an incredible electric jolt through his body.

His body arched up for a moment and then sunk back down onto the mattress, lifeless and motionless. The doctor check for a pulse but found none.

"Nothing, try again! Clear!"

He yelled, pushing the pads to Sam's chest once again trying to bring him back to life. His body arched so far up it looked unnatural, but still nothing happened.

"Again, clear!"

The doctor was willing Sam's heart to start beating again, but got nothing.

"We've got nothing" the doctor state with a sigh, sadness filling his eyes as he glanced at his watch.

"Name is Sam Winchester, age 20, time of death 9:02 AM"

I was completely shocked and haven't moved a step from the door of the room. Dean stood next to me as we both tried to register the events we have witnessed.

One of the nurses turned around and walked towards us, she put one hand on Dean's shoulder and the other on mine as spoke to us, her voice soft.

"We really did everything we could to save him, I'm so sorry. We will all leave to give you two a few moments to say goodbye before we discuss what happens next" she gave us a quick smile as she walked out of the room, followed by all of the other medical staff, each giving us a sympathetic smile of their own.

We both stood there for what felt like forever, but Dean was the one who finally broke the silence.

"Sam?" he said quietly as he started walking towards his brother.

"Come on man this is no time to be playing tricks on us, so why don't you just wake up now huh?" he said his voice filled with hope.

"Sam" he said shaking his brother, the hope in his voice slowly fading away as denial left him.

"SAMMY!" he yelled as he pulled Sam's limp body towards him, hugging him, a hug that was never returned.

As I finally regained the use of my legs, I began walking slowly towards the two brothers, tears slowly falling down my face. I didn't know what to say or do, I still couldn't believe what had happened. Sam, my boyfriend, the man I loved and intended to love for the rest of my life…. He was dead, gone forever.

I took one of Sam's hands and held it between both of mine, I pulled it up to my face as I started to sob uncontrollably, the voice of Sam speaking his last words to us echoed in my head 'I love you guys'. Then it dawned me, he knew this was going to happen, he could feel it. That's the reason he said those words, that's the reason he insisted we both leave the room, he knew those words would be his last and he didn't want us to watch him die.

The funeral was hard, there weren't many people in the room, but it held enough sadness for millions. Sam didn't know many people, but those that did have the pleasure of knowing him, couldn't help but fall in love with him immediately, he managed to enter the heart of every single person he met with those large, expressive hazel eyes and that smile so bright it would put the stars to shame. He always knew the right thing to say to people and was always the first to help when something was wrong. Everyone who was lucky enough to know Sam knew that if they were in need, he would be by their side in a second and would give his life to protect them, or anyone else for that matter. All of his friends came up and hugged me, telling me how sorry they were and offering their support, nothing was any help and all I could do was say thanks and smile politely. Dean didn't cry at the funeral, he just stood there with a stoic expression on his face, leaving as soon as the funeral ended never to be seen or heard from again.

A few days later I found myself at Sam's grave, tears consuming me as I walked slowly towards the tombstone that read 'Sam Winchester, a loving son, brother and friend'. That was an understatement, Sam's love for all those he knew went above and beyond, his love was one of the most powerful forces I have ever witnessed. As I looked at the small picture on his grave it dawned me, I will never see his beautiful eyes or his cheerful smile ever again. I will never again get to feel his touch as he would hug me or kiss me in a way that will make all of my worries disappear. I will never again get to hear the sound of his laugh, or the way he talked about things he loved with so much passion. I will never again feel that spark of happiness in my heart whenever I saw him approaching me and I would run and jump into his arms.

Sam died too young. If anyone that I knew was sure to be going places, was sure to do something great with his life, it was him. He was going to become a great lawyer and help a lot of people one day, accept he never got the chance. It wasn't fair, he deserved to live a long and happy life, instead he was taken away from me by this horrible thing called cancer, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

As I sunk to my knees in front of his grave, I tightly clutched the necklace he gave me for out one year anniversary. It was a beautiful silver chain with a delicate heart pendant. He told me it was special and that whenever we were apart, it should remind me that he loved me and that he will always love me no matter what.

"I will always love you Sam Winchester" I whispered as a held on to the necklace. I have never taken that necklace off.

 **I actually cried writing this chapter!**

 **I hope you guys enjoyed my very first multi chapter story.**

 **so, I left the story off with opportunity for a sequel, if you guys would like that just leave a review to tell me. Want to know what happened to dean after he took off? What Jess's life is like now that Sam is gone? Maybe, even Sam in heaven? If you want to know any of these things, just tell me. Your wish is my command. Please also comment with your opinions, weather if it's on this chapter, or just the entire story in general.**

 **I'll be posting more stories soon, so if you'll like to see those, just follow me.**

 **See you all soon…**

 **-Mika xxx**


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